Loneliness and the LGBTQIA+
Ali
We are Lonely is recorded across a number of Aboriginal lands including the Eora Nations and the Kulin nations of the Gadigal people. We would like to pay our respects to the Elders and custodians of these lands. We would also like to pay our respects to the custodians of the land on which you are now listening.
Curtis
Loneliness exists for the LGBTQI+ at higher levels because we don’t fit the norm, although when we’re together we’re strong we’re not always physically together. And with that comes a sense we're not feeling connected or not feeling like you fit in because you know this it doesn't feel like this world is built for us it's a bit of an afterthought.
Ali
Something almost everyone in the LGBTQIA+ community has in common is a coming out story. There’s a time of hiding, and a time of sharing truth, and then the reactions to that truth. Loneliness is compounded when we feel disconnected from the people around us. It’s also heightened by the feeling that we’re not being true to ourselves. So, how do you find connection and belonging when you’ve spent some of your formative years hiding a core part of who you are? This is We are Lonely, and I’m Ali Walker. This podcast is part of Medibank's 10 Year initiative to combat loneliness. In this episode of We Are Lonely, we’re going to meet Curtis, an exceptional young man who, alongside coming out at 14 years old, also battled obesity. He has a strong family, great friends and a full social life, but Curtis can still feel lonely, sometimes even when he’s with the people he loves. We Are Lonely isn’t intended to replace individual health professional care. If you have any concerns or questions surrounding your mental health, you should seek advice from your health professional. You can also go to Reachout.com or Beyond Blue.org.au for online or phone support. The mentor for this topic is James Van Cuylenburg, an experienced psychologist.
Ali
Hi. So, can you share an experience that you may have had around being lonely or feeling alone? In a group or crowd of people?
James
Yeah, it's interesting, isn't it that sometimes when we're around bigger crowds, the more lonely we can feel. Yeah, I can think of quite a few in my life. One that comes to mind just now is in later High School. I just, yeah, the type of what happens when groups of guys get together often is there's that sense of heightened masculinity that can happen that kind of bravado and, you know, intense kind of joking and everything else, which I do like, but I've never kind of really associated with that, that kind of model of masculinity that was there. So even though I liked these guys, and they were friends, sometimes I would feel lonely or on the outer, because that wasn't necessarily my true self, or the kind of guy I really saw myself, I was, but before, you know, at that time, in wanting to feel accepted, I reckon I probably just align myself a little bit more with them in a way that wasn't really authentically me. And now I look back on that, and I wish that, you know, I'd had the confidence at that time to be more my true self around them, and maybe not join in on certain jokes as much or that and but I am also understanding of why I did that at the time.
Ali
So, let's talk about Curtis. Curtis, who we're meeting today also talks about being lonely in a crowd of people. How can it happen that when we're with people, we have a strong family and network, we can still feel lonely?
James
Yeah, in my opinion, a lot of that comes down to our experience of how we feel about ourselves. So, on a day, where we are feeling really confident, we might walk into a room of people and feel like I'm going to be able to connect with them and get a good experience out of it. But on days, where we're feeling more insecure, it can be the most lonely experience in the world walking into a room. And yeah, a lot of it comes down to how we frame us. So, if I can walk into a room and be my authentic self, I'm gonna have a better experience and feel less lonely.
Ali
I can't wait for this one. I'll let you go and meet Curtis. Thank you.
Curtis
So, my name is Curtis, I'm currently 24 years old. I am a teacher full time, over in Gomeroi country, and a young Indigenous male, also very openly and proudly gay. So, I grew up in Tamworth, I went to school in Tamworth. I was one of four boys raised in quite a masculine household. You know, everyone says poor mum all the time. And I think that really kicked off some, some feelings of being different. Obviously. Now, by 11 years old. I knew I was gay.
James
And so that's quite young. Really, isn't it? To know that for sure.
Curtis
Yeah. Yeah. So, by 11 years old I was like, Yeah, this is me. For sure.
James
Did you tell anyone about that at the time?
Curtis
No, no, that's where the menace began? Yeah, that's where I felt the first harm within myself learning because I held on to this little secret until I was 14.
James
Okay, so there was a few years there where you felt like you couldn't or didn't know how to tell people?
Curtis
Oh, I think I grew up in a time where it was definitely visible to be gay, but I wasn't widely accepted. This was pre plebiscite, stuff, this was 2014 kind of stuff. And I think the culture around regional areas like Tamworth with, for example, at the time, I don't think was widely accepted. So, I think it took a little bit of time, I think I held on to it in that culture for a while, right.
James
Right but also, you’re 11 years old, you’re a child and these things are confusing and what does it all mean and what does it mean for my friendships and how will people judge me. Obviously in primary school and into high school there can be a lot of casual homophobia. But how did you experience that the kind of casual homophobia that was going on? While you personally were having this journey of discovery?
Curtis
Um, I think you either do one of two things. And I think at some points in life, I've probably done both where you participate, because then it masks it for you. Yeah. And you know, people say that phrase, man, that's gay. Yeah. And that's always it's such a negative thing. And I think in the 2000s, you know, when we were kids and stuff, I think it was just quite commonplace language. But as you grow up a little bit, and you start to say, it starts to be more purposeful. Yeah. But I think by the time I got to high school, I think as you know, I started to reject that. And when people around me started saying, oh, are you gay? I thought that was a negative thing. Yeah. Because all you ever hear is that gay is bad, gay is negative, the common language and so you start to, you know, freak out and think, how can I cover this? How can I, you know, you start to panic it’s sink or swim? And yeah, so that's kind of what is what comes up? And you're kind of just blindly doing whatever you think is good socially to survive. Yeah. And that's an isolating experience. Because when when you know, you know, and you get to an age where you realise, oh, this is just who I am, I can't actually change this anymore. You can't mask it. And that was a lonely thing. And I think the day that I remember wanting to change that was when I was just fed up. And I was just so tired of feeling alone and all of this, and I had friends who I think yeah, you know what, I think if I told them, they'd be cool.
James
So, we you were hopeful that it would go well, but quite nervous.
Curtis
Oh, my God. I was terrified. Yeah, I was terrified. Like the day I came out. Went to the counsellor and I sat in the office, and I said, it's an urgent appointment, I need to talk to someone. And I remember I just felt so alone. I had no one. I'm like I need to find someone who legally can't do anything about Yes, like, I just need to find someone who's safe. Right. I go talk to her and I sit in the office, and she's like, Alright, what's up. And I just like took this deep breath. And I was like, I'm gay. And she's like, okay, yeah, very nice. I'm like, is it can we sort of talk about like, yeah, just that and she goes, cool. Let's get into it. We spoke for about an hour.
James
What did that feel like? Amazing.
Curtis
Yeah, there's massive weight off my chest.
James
I'm really glad that your first experience of coming out was a positive one. Did that give you the confidence to then tell other people.
Curtis
same day? Yeah. Okay. So, it's like it was a landslide, right. Right. Yeah. Yep. Okay, that's
James
Great. And did you get the same positive response from everyone you told?
Curtis
Yeah.
James
I'm really, really glad to hear that you got that essential thing. It's such an important time. So, what's happening to your sense of loneliness now, because you described for that period, where you're holding the secret you were lonely? Yeah. Now you've come out, what does that done to your self worth and self esteem at that moment?
Curtis
14 year old Curtis needs a bit of love. I'm going through this thing at the moment where I'm doing some self parenting. You have an ongoing dialogue or conversation with a younger you. And although I had a really good experience of acceptance amongst my friends, my peers, my brothers, my family around being gay, that didn't mean that I didn't have my own issues, right. I kind of I suppose learned over time that initially lashing out was the thing that I would do not physically like always in emotionally or go for a job.
James
Well, that was protective instinct back in your fight or flight response. You were a fighter. Yeah.
Curtis
And then the thing that we unearthed was with my psychologist was Don't you correct me if I'm wrong, please don't be offended but she said Don't you think this response you have initially is a bit of a tantrum? And I said it sounds like it doesn't it fits the fits the profile the tantrum beautifully. And she said, almost like a 14-year-old boy. And I said, oh my god, mind was blown. And then that's when it started. A hurt 14-year-old me who was vulnerable and wounded at that time. Took the wheel when I was hurt, right? Yeah, not a mature grown up you know, Healed person didn't take the wheel and dealt with those things. I'm very hurt person did from all that early stuff.
James
Because it's a point of reference we have in our life like, yeah, we we get triggered by something. And we go back to the most emotionally resonant time when that happened. And these are the building blocks of how we become an adult right? Our childhood experiences shape what happens to us
Ali
Curtis’ experience of isolation growing up as a gay man in a country town was compounded by his weight. After trying a range of weight loss strategies, Curtis recently turned to gastric sleeve surgery.
Curtis
As a larger person, the way you engage with life is just completely different. Yeah. And as someone who's been on both ends on both sides of life where I've been thin and fit, which I currently would like to say that I am have done the work for that. And someone who was 165 kilos at his heaviest. People just treat you so differently. And you have to be a larger than life personality to be liked. Right? So social connection and those kinds of things. And feeling connected and mug is always in for myself or with someone who already came into, you know, adolescence and adulthood with baggage and as well as the physical appearance. Struggle.
James
So, you felt like you had to compensate.
Curtis
Yeah, 100%. And that's the only way you survive. If you're large you have in my head, if you're large, you have to be funny. If you're large, you have to be larger than life and robust and extra kind. When someone did something nice for me, just for the sake of being kind. I felt the need to pay them back tenfold because I'm not beautiful to myself.
James
So you've internalised this idea at some point in your younger years. I'm not enough just as I am. Yeah, I'm not lovable. Just as
Curtis
1,000%
James
Yeah, I just think this is such a great topic to touch on. Because we live in such a judgmental society. And weight is one of these really complicated topics for so many people, the relationship between their perception of their body and mental health, and connectedness and loneliness and sense of self-worth profoundly linked. And, you know, you're describing that, I guess, you know, in your own way. Your relationship to your body has been profound in terms of your mental health.
Curtis
Oh, 100% Absolutely. Yeah.
James
But I let's talk ideals here. Right. Ideally, you would be able to live in this world, if you were larger or smaller, or whatever size you were, and still know your innate worth was the same. But that's hard to do, isn't it? That's really hard to do, but when we're talking ideals, that's what we would want for someone.
Curtis
100%
James
Yeah, and it's it's there. very hard to do. I don't sit here, you know, with all the answers for that. I think it's a topic we I mean, there's that's a whole other podcast probably. But yeah, it's, it's a really important one for so many people in terms of body image and the impact on mental health. And I think it surrounds this word shame that we can, you know, we can carry bucketloads of shame around our bodies and sense of what we are physically. That is so cruel and so unfair. And a lot of the time we do it to ourselves, we perceive that I'm not okay as I am, because I'm not what society in my opinion, deems that I should be. Therefore, I'm not worthy. I'm not lovable. I'm not okay. You experienced that?
Curtis
Leaps and Bounds 100%? Yes. I think being a bigger person and having gone through that process, and then losing weight and seeing heavy observing firsthand how people treat you differently. Yeah, you still carry that heavy person with you? Right, in some regard. He is someone, a 21–22-year-old me, is probably like back and pinpoint my least satisfied with myself. Yes, wait. Here's someone who I've added to that discourse in my in my dialogue in my head now. So sometimes, if it's not an emotional loneliness thing, from being a little kid, sometimes it's an emotional loneliness thing from rejection.
James
And it can be cumulative can’t it, in that you suffer some form of rejection. And if it feels like it's related to your weight, then that narrative becomes internal. And you can start to essentially bully yourself, right? Your internal narrative is so full of shame and this disconnection with the sense of what you ideally want to be like, I think you should be like, or, etc. And so you judge yourself and assume that that rejection is going to happen, and can start to pull away from opportunities to connect with people.
Curtis
You, sometimes I know, for myself, I have literally thought to myself, and it's because of weight, but that's not at the forefront of your mind when you're doing this internal narrative. I have told myself before, I'm not the kind of person you can do that. Because weight holds you back in so many other aspects of life.
James
A major thing to come out of that, for me in the context of the work you've been doing, is just how important it is to have a sense of pride in yourself and to be able to love yourself, no matter what you look like, or you know, and to recognise that your self-worth is does not come from your physical appearance, even though it feels like it really does. But isn't that hard to feel that when you're in the middle of it yourself?
Curtis
I think it puts up a range of challenges mentally to get there to that level of realisation. Yeah, and I think you have to, I'm someone who like, who operates well off praise, like words. Affirmation is a big thing for me. If someone tells me I've done something good, I get the head. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. For me, I love being told I've done a good job.
James
You’re not alone in that., yeah, right.
Curtis
And so I think when you thrive off of that, sometimes, like now the compliments are all about my appearance and how good I look right but I was happy out when I was told that you you know capture a room or you know, you're great to talk to or the you know, people want to talk to you and like we want to be around you people need your affection and love your personality and stuff. Yeah, but now everything's just about how Yeah, you know, not to sound like a like an asshole. But yeah, how pretty you look. Yeah. And how I like your heart. Yeah. And I'm like, thank you. Yeah, I also have a personality and interests. And so that's, you know, it's a first world problem, but it's definitely like it flips the script on what you deal with into Yeah, self-worth, because now, a lot of times, I feel a need to keep up what I've got now. Yeah. Otherwise, I lose that sense of acceptance that I've now gained. Yes. And that puts me into a very lonely place.
James
Yeah, absolutely. So yeah, the connection between shame and loneliness can be profound. Yeah, just Yeah. I think from everything you've said. It's just a great encouragement to people if, if they are experiencing shame that's causing them to feel lonely to to really work on that, and maybe that could be a great topic to connect with a psychologist or a counsellor on or talk to friends about.
James
So, I think it would also be interesting just to hear a bit about your experience of loneliness these days, right now, you've clearly done some amazing work. And as we've talked about, you know, you're feeling a lot more aligned within yourself. But that, of course, doesn't mean that there's not different experiences of loneliness in your present day. Yeah, maybe you could tell us a bit about that. And some ways in which you might experience it now.
Curtis
Yeah, of course. Um, so with all these life changes and things that you go through, it definitely presents new things that you might not have experienced before, through ageing, body changes, all those kinds of things. I've obviously experienced at quite a few different layers of myself over time. And in my current state, some days, I think to myself, how did you never been more anxious in your life? Like, it's almost like in hindsight, you felt somewhat, like more lonely and isolated and sad before? But now you feel less that way. But then this anxiety creeps up on you, which manifests in loneliness sometimes as well. Yeah. And so I think even sometimes in a room of people, if someone has disappointed me, or if I feel like I'm not connecting, or if I feel like I'm in a room full of people that I kind of don't know, and don't have that level of confidence on that day, and that anxiety starts to creep up, that happens to me every now and again. And so, I use a strategy that I learned, I learned this strategy from calling Beyond Blue one day, because I thought, I have no shame in saying that I need help.
James
Great.
Curtis
And she said, this quote to me, that she texted to me, and I wrote it down on my phone. And it's one of the things that I pull up every now and again, and it says, in this moment, at this place, I am safe.
James
Yeah, I think that's really quite profound, actually. Because a lot of our anxieties do tap into a very, very primal response, right? Our absolute best primal needs are to feel loved and feel safe. Which is about survival, ultimately, yeah. Right. So yeah. It’s terrific to hear being so proactive about I think that's really great. But this concept of feeling lonely in a room. It is interesting, isn't it? Because it goes it goes against our intuitive understanding that well, I'm around people, I should feel connected. But what we personally bring the attitude, the experience that the thought about ourselves. What you're feeling? Not necessarily what they're doing?
Curtis
What you bring into that room with you. Yeah, the baggage of the day, baggage of your life baggage of the week? Yep. Whatever you bring in that room with you definitely matters.
James
Yeah, I mean, it can be true, of course that you know, the room can, you know, trigger feelings in you. But yeah, a lot of the time. One of the themes I think that comes out of all of these different stories you've told us, at certain points in your life, you've had to compartmentalise, you've had to separate the truth, or you know, the version of yourself that you feel from the version of selves, other people will feel. Now, that's a very understandable defence mechanism. Everybody does this to a degree. But I think you might agree now, at this point in your life that aligning as best you can compartmentalising less - discovering your authentic self, however you want to frame it, seems to have been quite profoundly helpful.
Curtis
Ah, crazy helpful. Yeah. Like before, before going through, like, you know, those journeys and processes and the education around that, and the healing all those kinds of things, I think we find that people will comply, or they'll code switch, or they'll mask or they'll do what they need to do to survive as a social coping mechanism, yes. But eventually find a happy medium of yourself that encompasses who you are fundamentally, as a person, and you can hold and showcase polite, respectful conversations. And in groups of people who may not be as attuned to you, you, it's not so much of having to switch up who you are to cater for other people. Yeah, definitely feel that space differently. It's more so just I'm putting this part of myself out a little bit further today. Because that's the part that I probably want to showcase
James
Love that. And in no way do I get the sense that you're a person who goes right done, I'm fixed. Move on, you know, you understand it's a constant work in progress. We're always learning with you know, the past doesn't disappear. What are your strategies that you're using at the moment that we could check in a few weeks time and see how they're going for you?
Curtis
One of my big one of my triggers that comes up is come in the afternoon, whenever the day settling down, I get crazy anxious. Yeah, interesting. anxious. I was tracking this the past couple of weeks every day. Almost. Yeah, I think I could take four or five days a week. On average, where come sunset, I get anxious, especially if I have no plans. Yeah, I hate being left alone with my thoughts.
James
Okay, so plans help, because then you feel like you have a sense of purpose and connection belonging. Is that part of what it is apps or is a distraction from the thoughts?
Curtis
I think I think those two things can exist in the same breath. And with that, so one of the things I'm currently doing is when I'm find myself to be lonely, especially in the evening, or if I have no plans, and all that all falls through, but anxiety hasn't crept up this yet I just feel kind of lonely and kind of like blur. I write poetry that I'm currently working on, like a collection I've been working on for like about six months now. And poetry I found has been the gateway for me to express confessional feelings and ideas in beautiful, articulate sentences that I find to be really helpful.
James
Beyond the fact that that's just a great creative outlet. It allows you to sit in that anxious space, without avoiding it or shutting it down or compartmentalising it you're like No, it's there, I need to acknowledge it. And you're working through it in this creative way that allows your brain to kind of weave its way through without being too rigid with it.
Curtis
Sitting in those feelings in a constructive way where I have something to show for it and I feel like I’ve understood myself better for doing that and one day I hope someone will read that ad feel the same way so there’s a community you’re building a feeling less lonely in a small way.
James
Yeah, I really love both of those strategies. And I think that'd be great to revisit in a few weeks’ time.
Ali
So how did your time with Curtis go?
James
So great! Yeah, Curtis is such a lovely human being and just brought so much to that chat. It was a real joy.
James
It's been a few weeks now since our chat and it'd be great to just get a sense of how you're tracking and how you're going at the moment, and I guess we can pick up on a few of the things we talked about.
Curtis
I think the biggest life change that I've probably seen since I saw you was my partner broke up with me. Yeah, yeah, it's changed my whole life. And so, I've definitely dealt with strong loneliness.
James
My gosh, that's huge. Of course it has. My gosh, so how many weeks ago did that happen?
Curtis
It happened two days after I got off the plane from seeing you guys last.
James
Wow, okay, so yeah, I mean, I guess you'd been talking about the fact that you were feeling pretty good at that stage in terms of the relationship side of things, but now obviously that changed quite quickly. So, do you wanna talk to me a bit about how you manage that? Do you feel comfortable to talk about that? Yeah, so how did you manage that?
Curtis
Yeah, yeah, of course. I took it really hard. The first few days, I took some time away from work. I like had to; I just abandoned all responsibility for a little while to process this.
James
Gosh, I'd actually say that's a really good move. That sounds like self -care.
Curtis
Yeah, well, self-care is one word for it. Yeah, it was rough. I'm really, really lucky that I have good people around me who love me and help me through it and still continue to do that. So yeah, that was one big thing that I did was I made sure I connected with people. I recharged getting my energy around people and I am very aware of that. So, I knew my needs pretty early on and knew what I could do to at least start that initial healing.
James
So yeah, look, obviously it can take quite a long time to adjust to such a big thing like that happening, especially if it's out of the blue. Is it something that, you know, you said you started to sort of interrogate yourself and think, alright, well, what have I done? We talked a bit about your self -worth and how it was a work in progress and something that was getting better. What was the impact on your self -worth having this news?
Curtis
Well, as we know, like I've gone through, you know, a major transformation like the last year to year or two around like my, my mental wellbeing and also my body and things like that. So instantly I went introspective and was like, okay, well, what kind of things could this be? Could this be about my appearance? Could this be about my personality? am I more anxious to lose people now because I look a particular way and my, am I kind of circle back to that? Because I'm large, no one could love me, and I reconnected with that really hurt person again. And I feel like I met him again. And that time like, yeah.
James
Yeah, gee that's interesting. So, when you say you met him again, did some of the old thoughts really start to intrude again?
Curtis
Yeah, absolutely. Some old thoughts definitely started to intrude, and I placed all my self-worth on how much he cared about me and how and what he thought of me. And although he reassures me that, you know, he loves me as a person and actually still offered an ongoing relationship in terms of friendship and being around each other and things like that. I instantly was like, what if he doesn't love me? He doesn't love me and I'm not lovable and all those kinds of ideas around that started to come started to come back full force and that sent me into a major state of well I'll never find anyone again this is I'm on my own again forever.
James
Yeah, so I’m really sorry to hear you’ve gone through this, you started to probably lean into some catastrophic kind of thinking, which is very normal under the circumstances when we've been really hurt.because you can guarantee like most people listening have experienced something like this, right? It's a normal part of human relationships. And particularly, I guess, in your early 20s, it's pretty inevitable, isn't it, that you'll experience this? So being able to talk about it and recognise the impact on us, I think is a really helpful thing. So, can you tell us a bit more about, I guess what's happened since, right? That's a few weeks ago now. What's your journey been like?
Curtis
Yeah, of course. in, in the name of being vulnerable and being honest, cause I'm a firm believer in the transparency of it. look, I took some time to trial out whatever I think would heal me. I took a trip away with some friends. I tried that. it, it owned the effects were temporary. I tried, I tried it, you know, I tried drinking effects are temporary. I've been in a social, I've been a social smoker, vapor kind of person. took that up for a while, the effects are temporary. And all those kinds of things. And I think when I start to feel that sense of loneliness or anxiety again, that this person can never I'll never have this person in my life again, in the way that I want it. It's not just me grieving what happened now, but because the relationship was short and sweet. I'm also grieving the future that I never got as well. And grieving all those things has been a process like I haven't felt angry like people want me to in that process of in that process of grieving. I'm still just kind of stuck in this phase of like, between like bargaining and denial, perhaps. yeah.
James
So, you've said a few really helpful things already. I think recognizing that we can tend to be a bit catastrophic, we can go through multiple attempts at coping mechanisms quite quickly. Some of those can be self -destructive. But you've done some helpful things too, and that's not shut out the people around you. I'm really glad to hear that you've been...
Curtis
Absolutely.
James
…seeking authentic connection with people that you care about. What's that been like in terms of trust and willingness to be close to them? Have you found it easy or difficult to reach out and connect with people at this time?
Curtis
It's really easy to have a bad day in this state. And so, I've been trying to think of one thing each day that I'm grateful for just to keep things remotely positive. And one thing I'm super grateful for in this whole process is having friends who genuinely care in the same breath. I know that level of empathy expires or changes as time moves on that I expected at some point for you to move past it. And I don't know, it's being the person that I am and being I'm an emotional person. I know that. But being the person that I am and the changing dynamics in the relationship I now have with this person. It does feel a little bit like they might get sick of it at some point. So, I've tried to adjust, you know, talking with them about it and trying to them to coax me through it, coach me through it, rather than doing that instead of burdening them at some point when that, you know, empathy expires. I've been trying to just make time with them.
James
Yeah. So, one of the things I guess we talked about was loneliness in a crowd, like the loneliness around other people. And I think sometimes when you're going through something like grief or shock or trauma, being around other people who are not going through that, who can't really understand what you're feeling necessarily, can amplify that feeling of, nobody really gets what I'm going through. But I'm not hearing that today. I'm hearing that you actually are allowing yourself to stay close to those around you and let them love you. And, you know, despite the fact that they don't necessarily get it, you are letting them in. Is that right?
Curtis
Yeah, yeah, I'm definitely letting them in shutting them out. I think we'll just amplify that level of loneliness and anxiety and all those kinds of things that come along with that. And I don't I think that's self-destructive in a way that I don't think benefits anyone, at least the self-destructive patterns that I was looking at before had a temporary, you know, benefit, I just don't see any any value in doing that and damaging those relationships with people who love me. It's not it's not worth anyone.
James
Mm. So, I suppose you've mentioned some less healthy or helpful coping mechanisms and maybe some more helpful ones. What's your plan now in terms of trying to steer towards as healthy coping mechanisms as you can? What are your priorities?
Curtis
I'm prioritising my craft. I’m putting things out in the eloquence of words and poetry as we know, we spoke about, you know, last time we caught up, you know, being a poet and a writer myself, like, it's as horrible as this is, it's material that I think I can engage with in a way that's really insightful that kind of can express how I'm feeling in a way that lives on longer than this feeling and I can capture that moment in time. And so, when I do move on, or when I do heal, as I hope that I do, I can look back and recognise the growth.
Curtis’ Poem
I wish I squeezed your hand just a little tighter that Sunday morning
I wish I looked at you for a few seconds longer just to watch your smile one more time
I wish I ran my fingers through your hair and press my fingers and your thigh where I wrote that note that in black that you were mine
I wish I pointed out how beautiful the sky looked that morning before the gloom came over my airplane window
when I touched down in my hometown part of him wanted to turn around and tell you I loved you one last time
Ali
During the years between leaving school and settling down into adult life we’re working through who we are, and who we want to be. As we do this, issues of self-identity, or shame, or trauma from our childhood can come up to challenge us. That’s one of the reasons these years can be the loneliest. It can be powerful to take the time to look back on your childhood, either through personal reflection or with the support of a professional. Reflect on some of the challenges you experienced as a child and send support to the child you were. You can find that by supporting that child, you can then change how you respond to friends now. If you’re interested in this, I recommend you check out Tayla’s episode, Loneliness and Childhood Grief. Another thing that can trigger loneliness is anxiety. If we’re anxious - we can be heightened or we can withdraw. Both impact our relationships. If this is an issue for you, again it can be worth reaching out to a professional to find the causes for the anxiety. There are also practical strategies that can help you to manage it, like Curtis is using. Breathing exercises, mindfulness, writing down our thoughts, increasing physical exercise, managing our sleep. All these practical steps can help to manage anxiety, and in turn our connections with the people around us.
If this show has raised any issues for you, remember there are always places to turn, such as Lifeline on 13 11 14; Beyond Blue.org.au; and ReachOut.com, which offers dedicated support for young people. For more information and tips to help you if you’re feeling lonely, visit we are lonely.com.au We are Lonely is produced as part of Medibank’s ten year commitment to addressing loneliness. I am Ali Walker. This show was produced and edited by Liz Keen and Simon Portus from Headline Productions with support from Cara O’Brien and Olivia Patchett. Our theme music is by Kenneth Lampl. Our team from Medibank include Karen Oldaker, Katrina Weir, Jessica Salter and Rebecca Carter. And project and Production Management by Rob Ranieri and Nick Randall from Ranieri and Co.
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Visit We Are Lonely for more information.