We Are Lonely episode three

Episode 3 - stepping out

Jemma Sbeg
We Are Lonely was recorded on a number of Aboriginal lands, including Gumbaynggirr Country and across the Kulin nations.
We would like to pay our respects to the custodians and Elders of these nations.
We would also like to pay our respects to the custodians of the land on which you are now listening.

Tim 
So it is currently 5:42 in the morning. I've just been out clubbing tonight, you know, going out clubbing alone was one of the most terrifying experiences, that’s hyperbole, I’ve had a knot in my stomach, it’s so hard, I do feel so lonely and isolated. 

Holly
Isolation has become a habit, and loneliness I guess, it's become a habit for me. 

Tim
I think loneliness is something I’ve definitely struggled with.

Deidre Anderson
Everybody gets lonely at some time in their life.

Tessa Blencowe
When we don't talk about it, when it's left unsaid that's when it can start to spiral and build up then turn into something much greater.

Ian Hickie
And that has adverse effects on your mental and physical health. 

Lisa Mundy
Connection is everything as humans and as mammals we require that connection. 

Tessa Blencowe 
That anxiety , that trigger of loneliness that we get, when we don't have that is actually really important, because it's that reminder of, okay, there's something missing here, we need to reconnect.

Deidre Anderson
So loneliness to me is a question, rather than a situation that you can’t get out of.

Jemma Sbeg
This is We are Lonely, and I’m Jemma Sbeg.

Aleks
I still end up prioritising work over spending time with people that I love or something like this.

Jemma Sbeg
We've connected four people in their 20’s with mentors who are helping them build strategies to connect.

Charity
Personally when I was younger, I had this sense of family and people coming together and all of that sort of stuff, doesn’t happen any more. 

Jemma Sbeg
This show is supported by Medibank.
Before we get into things, I want to let you know that being a podcast about loneliness, this show gets personal and vulnerable. 
We will be exploring sometimes difficult themes including isolation and racism.
If this raises any issues for you, you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14 or go to ReachOut.com.
In the last episode, our four participants and their mentors looked at ways to build a sense of self.
And now, Charity and Dee are working out how to take that same self into the world.

Deidre Anderson
You said to me and you and you’ve got up here your number one value.

Charity
Probably Authenticity and respect.

Deidre Anderson
There’s no point in being around people that don’t expect or accept you. We’ve just got to find out what that looks like. 

Charity
I’m interested to find that.

Deidre Anderson
You say it’s an important value, and sometimes the real strong personality that you’ve got is there but it’s hiding this. And we will.

Charity
I’m keen, I’m eager.

Deidre Anderson
I’ve got no doubt we will.

Ian Hickie
What's your role? Where do you fit in?

Jemma Sbeg
Professor Ian Hickie is the co-director of the University of Sydney’s Brain and Mind Centre. 

Ian Hickie
Okay, so you're different in certain ways, you're not as capable in certain other ways, but forget that, which bits are you most capable, if by spending more time developing that skill, if by spending more time understanding that capability, finding the right environment where that fits in, in which your quiet nature or you're not so quiet nature, or your long attention span or your short attention span is actually beneficial to that particular environment where it's a good mix with others, to produce a collective outcome. 

Jemma Sbeg
Our 20's are a big time for this kind of investigation and questioning because our lives are changing a fair bit.
Only a few years ago we were at school and we each had our school identity - sporty, academic, musical, popular or whatever it was.
And then we left school and the world felt a bit bigger and the options for how we presented to the world expanded. 
Naturally, alongside those changes, a lot of our friendships might be adapting as well. 
This shift has been more apparent for Holly because she was ill during the time she was transitioning from school to her 20’s.

Holly
You know when you’re sick it’s that thing where people say I miss the old you, the old you was so different and there’s this grief that people that watch you go through sickness and they're grieving the old version of who you and they need to learn to love the new version that you are, but yeah it’s a painful process and it’s hard to force that on old friends that’s why it almost feels easier to start again than reach out to old friends.

Tessa Blencowe
There are a few things here.

Holly 
Sorry I feel like we’ve gone on a completely different…

Tessa Blencowe
No, that’s fine. We have and that’s ok because we were going to come to this anyway.
You are focussed on how your identity has shifted  and at the same time, they aren’t the same people they were years ago either. The reality is that change is an inevitable part of the human experience, that is one of the things we know for certain, out of everything in our world that we change is inevitable - we will change, we will get older, life will throw things at us and it will shift who we are. That is a guarantee. And I suppose it’s your abilities with people to shift with each other and grow with each other and that’s what makes those relationships continue to work and continue last and it’s ok if they don’t it doesn’t mean they’re not nice people or of value. It just means you’re a different person to who you were then and so you care about different things now and that’s ok, that’s a part of growing up, it’s a part of getting to know yourself more. And there’s an ok-ness with the fluidity of relationships in that way as you’re growing. 

Holly 
It’s a good point and I’m hyper aware of how much I’ve changed and you think you’ve changed so much more than everyone else but like you said, in the reality of it everyone changes but I’m just aware of my changes because it’s me.

Jemma Sbeg
We’re going to hear Tessa taking Holly through some ways to manage these changes later on.

Tim
You know going out clubbing alone was, yeah, I’ve had this knot in my stomach and it’s so hard and I feel so lonely and isolated. 

Jemma Sbeg
Tim recorded this after leaving a club in Melbourne. 

Tim
Yeah, all night just going through in my head has just been I don’t belong here, at a gay club. And I’m proud of myself that I came out to the club, did something different, did something new. But I mean the best part of the night is this one literally sitting here has been so relaxing and reflective. If anything I’m glad it got me out of the house to be able to breathe some fresh air, see some new stuff and just reflect.

Jemma Sbeg
Tim and Sean are catching up to talk through what that moment meant for him.

Tim
It’s been a bit of a funny experience like thinking back to when I first started clubbing and it now feels like night and day. I felt so outgoing, and I just want to be myself and do whatever, compared to now, where a lot of the time. Yeah, I've made it to the club, I've gone out. And I've connected with a few friends. But you know, after a little while, I've sort of just retreated and gone into a safe place. And doesn't mean that I don't want to be social. I want to be able to talk to people. I want to be funny, charming, charismatic, like yourself. But yeah, I guess the past few weeks have just really solidified for me. Look, I don't mind going out. I love going out. But my element is being around people I know. Or being in a space where I can get to know people. Yeah. It's sort of that intimacy. Yeah.

Sean Szeps 
You're transitioning out of your club kid phase and into your big kid gay phase.

Sean Szeps
It sounds like this is a perfect insight for you, which is like, you'll continue to do that you'll go out whatever. But if you're feeling the most at peace in yourself, and most connected to others and more intimate environments then like, that's what we need to be. That's great. Yeah, chase that.

Tim
Yeah. And because, you know, yeah, after a few drinks, it's easy to be that like, yes, queen, go, you know, like, you look great, but like, yeah, when I'm in my sober mind, and not on alcohol, it's it's difficult to, I guess, be that face value for me, you know, I want to see, and understand more of a person, like, I can compliment someone I can tell them. No, Sean, I love your shirt.

Sean Szeps
Thank you so much.

Tim
It just doesn't feel right to me. But it's good that we get to have this conversation.

Sean Szeps   
Yeah, I'm loving this. I think, at the end of the day, the goal is not to follow someone else's system or take on someone else's advice, or do it because you're supposed to. Right, the goal is to get to a place where you feel really happy and secure in Melbourne, and you feel like it's yours. And you feel like any day of the week, you can go out and chase a feeling. And that feeling is happiness, contentment, it doesn't actually matter what it is, as long as it's not alone, frustrated or anxious. And so you've just done a great thing, which is I've tried one way which is getting out there and pushing myself and being with my friends and going out. And here's when it doesn't feel good. 

Tim
Yeah. 

Sean Szeps
And then you isolate that and then you avoid it. That's what I do. I 100% hate, all the things you're talking about putting yourself out there and going to those events. Sometimes you never know, diamonds in the rough occur. But it sounds like you're saying you're much better in a more intimate environment, which is perfect. So we're doing dinner parties, we're not always going clubbing you know, you're having a friend over to your apartment or you're going to theirs or you're going to a park or maybe you are just like going and sitting on the side of the road on a bench and just chatting like that seems like that would get you off in a very different way. And then you get to be the best version of yourself, which is to listen and observe and hear stories and remember them six months later, you know, that seems like that would be you at your best and if that's the case, then that's what we chase. That's great. 

Jemma Sbeg
Holly and Tessa are picking up their thread about how to approach changing friendships on the back of Holly’s work with her childhood self.

Holly 
While it was really cathartic to be able to hold space for my inner child and to be able to shine a light on the person I was then and probably still am now, but also at the same time, the question kept coming up: Am I that person for other people that I am so desperately wanting for myself for myself and I’m not, and recognising that was bittersweet because I can look outside to doing new things and putting myself in positions where I can meet new people but am I actually or is it going to change anything if I’m not being that friend to other people that I want for myself because I can’t get something if I’m not giving our.

Tessa Blencowe
I can hear the bittersweetness but I can hear the power in that because if it is that, you can shake that, you can do something about that because it means if you’re not showing up I want to have or receive friends, then it’s less about what other people are doing than what you can do, and that’s the bit we can control right.

This is a good segway into the next part of this, because this idea is what is a good friend, what is a bad friend, and is a friendship one that you don’t have to put in work. Arguably friendships like any relationships for them to have longevity you have to put work into. 

I suppose that’s the thing about loneliness, there’s legitimate reasons for why we can become lonely, sometimes they’re not about who we are and things we’ve failed to do. . They can be systematic, or illness external things we can’t predict or protect ourselves from. What keeps us lonely is that cycle. Say we become isolated we then through that isolation become less confident, less trusting of ourselves, more suspicion of others and their intentions, and that’s the loop we can find ourselves in.And that’s the when I hear your story that’s the piece I hear is I don’t think it’s you who got you here, but you want to get out of it, but now is the time I’m learning that. Does that make sense?

Holly
I think it is important though that I recognize the part I played in not contributing to sustainable friendships. There are so many ways to be a good friend.

Tessa Blencowe
A lot of them are value aligned, usually we will practise the things in our friendships that matter to us, you know some people might value loyalty over honesty.
If you were to write your top 10 things that make up a good friend or you write you really big list and then narrow it down to the ones that are most important to you, and start to unpack what does that mean in practice, what does that look like, and then also how are some I can start to implement it with friends you do have that I can start to practise this with.
That’s the other thing we haven’t spoken much about is the importance of starting these new ways to show up with people who we have a sense are going to respond relatively well, so building those muscles or skill sets or communication tools or tactics with people that will receive them well and we start there an then we can expand them out from there.

Jemma Sbeg
Once you work out what you value in others, and you want to be with people, you might realise it’s not your reality. Then you need to look for ways to make that change.

Tim 
In the queer community we have our chosen family and that concept really sticks with us. 

Sean Szeps
All of those families that we choose most of them we have to make ourselves right? Oh, it's annoying, and also like the beautiful gift of our community. yeah, and so the only thing stopping you is.

Tim
Me. 

Sean Szeps
You or us, putting together a plan that wills that into existence potentially because I mean, listen, we don't need to pretend for a second that this is easy. It's not. We've had a really long time in human history. An unusual, catastrophic strange that has rewired a lot of our brains and made it a lot easier to not push ourselves. When you're in uni back in Perth, or when I was in uni back in the States that's just a part of what it means to be young, right? Everyone's just gone out, you go out on Thursday, Friday nights, you know, the local bars, you're meeting people there, you're establishing connections when you're wasted. Right, it's easier it just is and now that you're an adult, and people are working and people are going to uni, it's harder schedules are harder and then you throw on top of that a pandemic and then our brain has said this is safer.

This is easier. I don't need to go out, that seems complicated. That sounds like more work. I just don't want you thinking like sitting here hearing this and going actually it is pretty easy. No, it's not but it is easy when we say to people. I'm not as happy as I could be and I'd like to be and the only thing stopping me is maybe I always say like enrolling people in the possibility like bringing other people in and saying I'm not I'm feeling a little bit lonely. I'm feeling like I don't have as big of a community as I did. I really wish I did. I'm doing a good job with my gaming connections. And I met some people. But when I look into the future, I see a happier version of myself and one of the ways I could get there is by setting a goal. Like are you enjoying school to the fullest whether is there a way that we might look at that relationship and figure out ways to make uni friends? 

Tim
Something like that, that would be really good.

Sean Szeps
Because I mean, you're spending a lot of time there. Because I guess one of the things the reason I asked the question at all is that university systems create a lot of extracurriculars that most students do not leverage.

Tim
Yeah and I know this time around, I was like, Okay, last time when I went to uni, I didn't join any clubs. I didn't do any extra curricular and I was like, I'm gonna do it this time. And then I sort of tried at the start of the pandemic, you know, they had like the gamers clubs, so I was like, okay, cool. I can join that. That would be easy, but it's just a bit intimidating when you see like other people. talking amongst each other and like, they know about each other. They know, like. How do I get in there without looking stupid?

Sean Szeps
I don't think that that's a strange feeling. I think that's a normal one. And especially if it's not like the beginning of the year, and everyone's a first year I can understand that. Do you have a friend that would go with you that's a part of university. It's a big ask for me to be like, I want you to go to one meeting and I boot you by yourself. Is there anyone?

Tim
No and that's the thing like moving interstate and being a bit older, I don't have any friends that go to my uni. 

Sean Szeps
Okay. 

Tim
So yeah, that is one hurdle.

Sean Szeps
Instead of making a massive leap into saying you're going to go, because at the end of the day, I don't know that I would do that. So why would I ask you to do it? It might be interesting to just identify what the groups are. Because there I bet there's an LGBTQI plus group, there almost always is at every university. And in my experience, I don't know if this is your experience that group is usually misfits, right? It's a bunch of people who don't they don't know how to make friends. They're used to being the only person in their smaller town who's like them and so they go to university and that becomes a safer place. It might be interesting to just identify all the groups that you might want to be a part of, and let's not set a goal bigger than that. Let's just identify them. 

Because the second step could be communicating via like email with them. I did that at university. I emailed the pride group, and just said in writing that I was nervous and that was such a great way for me to go to the first meeting because the girl messaged me and said, I felt the same way, how about I meet you beforehand for coffee? And I'm not saying that will happen, but maybe instead of saying, ‘I'm going to go to the meeting,’ which can be daunting, especially if you're gonna go alone, It's like step one will identify. Step two, maybe depending on your comfort, we just craft the perfect intro email just to say the truth and the truth is, I don't know anyone. I don't really want to rock up by myself. Do you have any advice or when are your meetings or how many people are going to be there? And then we can decide what to do? 

Tim
Yeah. 

Jemma Sbeg
We’ve just spent the past little while looking at why we need to know ourselves, so we can build relationships around who we really are.
But that doesn’t mean that we should only spend time with those people who resonate with us.

Ian Hickie
A lot of the things that are seen as being you know, not very important, they’re very transient as if they're not important and often they are. Actually quite consequential, to be known in your own coffee shop, to be known in your local community, to connect with the same people.

Jemma Sbeg
This is Professor Ian Hickie.

Ian Hickie
So I think one of the issues around loneliness and other factors has been factors over a long period of time, that have meant we spend a lot less time together, transgenerational families, wider social groups, wider kin, that the area we operate, when it's got smaller and smaller numbers of people operating it, the smaller the number of people, the more they tend to share just one view of the world. 

There's been a much greater emphasis on individual identity that I only talk to the people who look like me only read the media that comes to me in my media selects all the time, I hate the fact that Netflix has decided I only watch one kind of film. Somehow they've decided that ie. the algorithms, etc, behind it, assume that that is me, that I'm a very narrow thing. 

I'd like to think that we actually share values. And I have experiences with children, grandchildren, other people in diverse kinds of worlds that I actually have other ideas and other interests. And that I'm not simply defined that way.

But we do have a lot of forces reinforcing the primacy of those things at the moment, the primacy of a sort of individual identity, and speaking only to that identity, and not be able to speak with anyone else not be able to share with anyone else, not being able to recognize or be able to recognize that my perception of the world is different. 

Deidre Anderson
The polarisation issue I think starts from our leadership right across our country and world. We follow what we think is the tone of the season and if our governments are very polarising then it rubs off. If our governments are trying to use more conciliatory and collaborative language then it rubs off. If our schools are doing the same, it rubs off. I don’t think there’s one aspect of the structure of our society that doesn’t play a role in that sense of isolation.

Jemma Sbeg
Dr Lisa Mundy is a Developmental Psychologist from the Australian Institute of Family Studies. 

Lisa Mundy
I think it is really important to point this out, the polarisation of views. And I think that's why we have to be those skills around kind of the social emotional development, being able to, you know, to kind of understand different points of view, and that the only way you can understand a different point of view is if you understand your point of view to start with, and you understand your own the way that you think and your emotions, and then you know, you can understand how other people are thinking about things, and being able to have debates and discussions and not, and not be like, Well, I'm never going to speak to you again, or that's not the worldview that I subscribe to. So yeah, and actually being able to kind of have that back and forth so things like critical thinking and decision making, those skills as well are going to be really important.

Jemma Sbeg
This plays into loneliness because it speaks to that urge we have to cut people from our lives, rather than having difficult conversations and how limited we can become in who we interact with. It’s also about being authentic in our relationships, because if we don’t turn up as ourselves, and say what we need, we can feel lonely even when we’re with people. Here’s Holly and Tessa teasing this out a little bit more.

Holly
It almost becomes habitual to just go I’m just going to people please or I’m going to show up in a way that you know they’re going to like, and you’re doing it thinking this isn’t me but it’s what you think you need to do or the way you think you need to be.

Tessa Blencowe
That sounds like a boundary issue.

Holly
So true, I don’t have boundaries. Boundaries what are they, I’m not sure they’re something other people have, not me.

Tessa Blencowe
When we hear the word boundaries we feel it’s this rigid, ruled, hard, confrontational thing, and it’s really not about that. Boundaries, whether boundaries with self or others, it's being able to be honest with our needs and wants and with ourselves and with other people and actually being able to be honest with our needs and our wants with yourself and with other people. And actually the most compassionate people are the ones who have boundaries because it keeps them out of resentment. 

Holly
Would you say you have boundaries with friends?

Tessa Blencowe
Yes I am honest if I can’t come to something, so I will say no to things so boundaries might look like saying no to things, but boundaries would also be me voicing if a friend has upset me there’s lots of ways you can do that.

I have a friend, one of my favourite people in the world, who is terrible at responding to text messages and they don’t live in the same place as I do, so we rely on other forms of communication to stay in touch and for a long time that would frustrate me, and I would think they’re busy they’ve got other things on. But it would make it hard to organise and do things and so one day when we were together face to face, I sat with her, and I said I want to get into your mind and understand a little bit more, you receive the text message and then what happens? Tell me what happens, let me into your headspace. And I will communicate  and I will say, “what do you need from me?” And saying “When you don’t write back this is how I feel” and then we can understand each other a bit better. And for her, she has boundaries with how to communicate. She really struggles with voice messages or things along that route and so I’m better off giving her a quick call but and by sharing each other's boundaries around that, and being honest around that, we’re able to be better friends to each other, but we have to have that conversation.

And learning how to have those difficult conversations or even just being able to say no to things, it’s a practice and a skill. There’s a formula for things like this, writing scripts, writing down, figuring out what you want to say first. Also, starting with curiosity, so you say hey what goes on for you when this happens? The way you shape the conversation, we can’t control how the person responds but we can shape the tone of that conversation.

Jemma Sbeg
Knowing who we are and being ready to take ourselves out into the world is one thing.
But how do we actually connect with a community? How do we reach out?
Early on in her conversations with Dee, Charity said she didn’t feel connected with the local Aboriginal community where she lives on Gumbaynggirr land.

Aunty Bea Ballangarry
Good morning Charity.

Jemma Sbeg
Aunty Bea Ballangarry is a respected Gumbaynggirr Elder who lives near Charity. They met as part of this project.

Aunty Bea Ballangarry
I know there’s a struggle and you can be really lonely but it changes, You can be alone in a room. I can be in a room with a lot of people and be so lonely in there  because I feel I'm the only one and there’s a room of people talking to each other. That about me, that's about how I contribute to the discussion in the room. If I sit here I'm going to be lonely as well as alone. 
It’s not easy to step put into yourself, step out, all I can say is, if you can turn up and be seen and somewhere along that path, you’ll forget you’re out there to make a difference to your life it’ll just become a thing you’ll think Aunt Bea is always saying to me turn up and then you’ll forget that I’m saying to you just turn up.

Charity
I’ve always had this sense of not belonging somewhere, Like when people say where are you from, and I say good question, I don’t know. I did grow up on Birpai country, and I grew up on Dunghutti country that is where my grandparents are from is Dunghutti and down Eden ways. But I never fit in and always felt like an outsider you have to be a certain somebody to fit in a certain place. You have to be someone to be recognised as somebody.

Aunty Bea Ballangarry 
My main self says, when I wasn’t known, when I was surviving a not so good relationship I felt like I was the only person in the world it a struggle I had to work through. It starts here in my head, no matter what I am surrounded by my Ancestors. So I am not alone and I am not going to be alone and I am not going to be lonely. They will always be here.

I’ve got all these heritage, you’ve got Biripi heritage, Dunghutti, you can identify with one, but you always have the others and if you acknowledge  that, you are honouring those stop off points and that’s how I believe that, it becomes a thing where you will get settled and it won’t be a thing to feel like you belong because you belong anyway. It will grow and so with that growth is your growth I believe. 

Just wondering here, can I tell you a story?

So, we’re talking about 1974, I didn’t have much say about where I lived, it was taken as a given that as a married woman that I would naturally go where my partner was following his career path. So in 1974 we started our life in Western Australia, at the top end as they called it, so the first place to stay for three years, was Wyndham and I felt really lonely for my family. So I started to write, me to them. I wrote poetry, to do with bringing me to them, I write a song about Eungai, and Eungai is where where I spent my primary school years and I think it’s about tapping into how i know I know I can connect with my family when they’re not around.

Moving away from tribal country felt like I wasn’t doing the wrong thing and that troubled me. It troubled me to be going away when I was establishing who i am and what I’m about and I felt some of my community members may not have viewed this as a positive thing and I think I took that on because when I came back to tribal country I had to start all over again to establish who I am and what I stand for and that was a lot of hard work, like at the end of the day it was worth it because I know I’m high profile but I had to work hard to get here where I am now. The thing that stands out for me when I need to rise above things, and this is lessons from my parents, especially the thing that it’s not my story. If there’s  an action, or if there’s people talking about me I believe if I can think in my head, just rise above it, it’s not your story, you just stay present in your own skin and be the strong person you know you are. If you were to define me, a check in, how do you feel right now?

Charity
How do I feel right now? Content.

Aunty Bea Ballangarry
It’s a beautiful word, well my feeling right now is gratitude. I feel it’s an honour to be in a young person’s life. 

Charity
Vice versa from the other end.

Jemma Sbeg
It’s one thing for us to suggest that you head out into the world - to find your place, and open up to different perspectives. But it’s important to acknowledge that our society makes these steps easier for some people than others.

Aleks
I have a really common experience with a lot of mixed race people I know, especially mixed race people who have grown up in predominantly white neighbourhoods, which is what happened to me. 

Jemma Sbeg
This is Aleks.

Aleks
For essentially all of my child and adolescent life I believed that I was white. I realised when I was 21 that I wasn’t white because one of my friends was like “You’re an Arab,” and I was like yeah, and they were like “You’re not Anglo”, and I was yeah and they were like “You’re not white.” And it hit me and I was I’m actually not, and I’d never thought about the fact that I could be something different. This is part of Australia’s really complex race identity history, and we don’t talk about it. and I think it makes people like me, mixed race people, people of colour, people who are different, people who aren’t white it ultimately makes them feel like they’re not the norm, because we’re not the norm we're a minority in this country.

But none of this is to say that I don’t like my life here, I really do. I wouldn’t want to live anywhere else but part of living here is accepting that I’m not going to feel represented while looking around like we’re looking around. We’re in a park at the moment and yeah, a lot of white people and it’s sad and it makes you feel lonely. And it makes you think about this great multicultural project and these decolonial things that people speak about, while they’re happening, these changes will take place over a really long time, if at all.

Barry Conrad
One thing that I definitely connect with Aleks on, is being multi-racial. 

Jemma Sbeg
This is Aleks’ mentor, Barry.

Barry Conrad
My Father is African English and Mother is German-Indonesian. Born in South Africa, moved to New Zealand, moved to Australia – so that’s a lot to navigate as a young kid in the world. Having the colour of my skin that I have, and moving to Australia – particularly, you can feel a sense of isolation because of the colour of your skin. I certainly have and do and it’s easy for people to make you feel gaslit - like you’re imagining that or it’s in your head. You just think you’re special because you look different. You know what I’m saying without saying it, it’s a real part of life and the way you move through the world. 

And it does impact  work. For example I did a show - we were on stage getting ready to warm up and what not, and some guy was like “Oh man you’re like the token black guy man, it’s so awesome.” And in front of everyone and there was an awkward beat of silence and then everyone’ back to business but those moments to everyone else can appear, like cool whatever but within me the world stops for a second and I can’t even put into words how small I feel in those moments.

Aleks
And I think these experiences are - when they happen to you they’re so confronting. When - they make it hard to feel like you belong in a place and that you’re welcome. I think this is what’s been really special having you as a mentor. I don’t need you tell me that you’ve had x or y experience and it’s been different for you trying to work in media as a mixed race person like yeah and it gives makes me really hopeful because I can see that it’s possible and I think a bit part of me has been really afraid that it’s not possible.

Jemma Sbeg
Gumbaynggirr Elder, Aunty Bea Ballangarry told Charity that to become part of her local community, first of all she had to show up. So she did.

Charity
Get yourself out there, get yourself known, don’t hide away because hiding away’s going to get you nowhere because when you show up you can make connections where connections are needed. It’s not about what you know, it’s about who you know. 

Jemma Sbeg
We’re at a community event in Charity’s local town.

Charity
I don’t know, I still feel like an outsider not going to lie. That’s because I don’t have the connections made fully yet, which is when showing up is important I guess. But yeah, patience is a virtue. It got me out of the house before 7 O’Clock. There’s a bigger world out there than the one I live.

Jemma Sbeg
In the next episode, we’ll be jumping into our four participants’ passions and focussing on what you love to find your people.

Charity
Well normally I wouldn’t put myself in an uncomfortable position, I’d just continue living inside my head, inside a dark room doing absolutely nothing. Like I really wanted to go swimming but I never had the confidence or the courage to go inside a swimming pool and then I met with you that one time and I was like it’s really not that bad.

Holly
It was really beautiful I think it made me realise we all feel the same.

Tim
It’s all so personal but it’s something you really can’t get anywhere else so it’s really special.

Jemma Sbeg
If this show has raised any issues for you, remember there are always places to turn, such as Lifeline on 13 11 14; beyondblue.org.au and reachout.com which offers dedicated support for young people.
For more information and tips to help you if you’re feeling lonely, visit wearelonely.com.au
We are Lonely is produced as part of Medibank’s ten year commitment to addressing loneliness.
I am Jemma Sbeg.
This show was produced and edited by Simon Portus and Liz Keen from Headline Productions.
Music is by Kenneth Lample.
Fact Checking by Jess Choong and our team psychologist is Alison Howarth.
Our Junior Producer is Monika Vidugiryte.
Our team from Medibank include Karen Oldaker, Nigel Davis and Demi Michael.
Project and Production Management by Ranieri and Co.