Loneliness after an Accident
Ali
We are Lonely is recorded across a number of Aboriginal lands including the Eora Nations and the Kulin nations of the Gadigal people. We would like to pay our respects to the Elders and custodians of these lands. We would also like to pay our respects to the custodians of the land on which you are now listening.
Brad
I’ve been to hell and back, I’ve done it already, nothing in the future can take back from me, if anything it will embolden me to be even better.
Ali
We never want traumatic things to happen, but when they do, we can learn a lot about ourselves and what we need. There’s a name for the awareness and transformation that can come after trauma - post traumatic growth. But going through a traumatic event can also be incredibly lonely. However much the people around you want to care, if they haven’t been through the experience with you, they can never really fully understand. When it comes to trauma, it doesn’t get much more intense than a near death experience. Brad was 22 when he fell thousands of feet from the sky and almost died. He was at the start of a whole new chapter in his life with a new job and a new relationship. And he had only come out as gay two years earlier. This moment changed his life forever. This is We Are Lonely and I am Ali Walker. This podcast is part of Medibank’s ten-year initiative to combat loneliness. We Are Lonely isn’t intended to replace individual health professional care. If you have any concerns or questions surrounding your mental health, you should seek advice from your health professional. You can also go to Reachout.com or Beyond Blue.org.au for online or phone support. We set Brad up with a mentor you may’ve heard of before.
Kween Kong
Hi, everyone. My name is Kween Kong, I guess I'm like a queer icon. I believe it's a self-proclaimed title, I guess. I was a drag superstar based here in Australia. In Melbourne. I was formally known on a TV show called RuPaul. Drag Race down under where I placed second. You know, I think since the show, I think most people have known my, let me just let that pass. I think, since the show, I have been more known for my activism, and also just how much of a pillar I am for the queer community here in Australia. So that's probably what I'll say about me.
Ali
Right. And today, we're looking at loneliness in the LGBTQIA plus community, particularly for gay men. I think a lot of people outside the community see pride, and Mardi Gras and marriage equality and can feel like there is a strong community with celebration and connection. Yet we know that people in the LGBTQIA plus community are some of the most likely to experience loneliness. So, can you talk a little bit about that, that polarity
Kween Kong
Absolutely. You know, I think things like Mardi Gras and Pride, you know, if anything, they're just sort of staple events, for us, our community and also for our allies, to really celebrate not only queerness, but how far we've come, you know, as a society, you know, the original Mardi Gras was, was the ultimate form of protest, you know, it was actually more gruesome, you know, there was lots of police brutality that happened at the original event, there was lots of things that happened. And I think if anything, the reason why we remember that event every year is to, again, remember how far we've come as a society all of us hand in hand. but I think, naturally speaking, you know, people that seem different to others, like there's such fear around queerness. And especially right now at the moment with drag and what it's doing to like trans people, like, there's a lot of people within the wider community that are having lots of issues with, you know, who we are what we are, and that they feel a lot more comfortable with us being, you know, back in the closet in some regards, and so they're trying to force us back there. And so, I think that that isn't like myself that feels strong or solid in my queerness. You know, that can be scary, you know. And also, if you're within communities, or you have people in your family, who are parts of these sort of campaigns, I can only imagine how isolating that would make would be on top of how, how much they're isolating themselves, you know, personally, so it is a bit a bit tricky to navigate.
Ali
Okay, well, I'll let you meet Brad, I can't wait to hear what you talk about.
Brad
I'm Brad. I'm 32. I'm a videographer based in Melbourne. I'm also an author and I published a book last year about the very fun topic of trauma, which I'm sure we'll get into today.
Kween Kong
So, let's get started.
Brad
Let's talk about trauma.
Kween Kong
Where do we start with the heart start darling?
Brad
It's so weird when people know about your trauma, and that's how you're defined. And one thing I've really preached on lately is that you're not defined by what happens to you, but you are defined by your response to it. And I guess the context is, in 2013 I did a tandem skydive, and it was a birthday present. It was a voucher that I got for my 21st By the time I used it, I was 22 and at that stage of my life I had grown up in country Victoria I was just about to move to the city had just Got a job in breakfast radio, as a producer for a big network had just gotten into my first relationship or six weeks into it just said, I love you. So, I was on the precipice of the rest of my life. But what happened technically was, we had a parachute malfunction where the first parachute failed to open, and the second emergency parachute got caught in the first. And that left us basically freefalling from 15,000 feet at 80 ks an hour. And miraculously, we were able to be steered towards a golf course. And we landed on the embankment of a lake. And that impact was just excruciating. I just knew that I was going to die. Even as I was falling, I'd accepted that. This is a bad situation, and I'm feeling myself falling, the Earth is getting closer, I'm going to die. And even in that moment, I knew my whole family were there that day, because we do things as a family. So, I've got three sisters, my mum and dad, my sister's partners, my niece and nephews, my boyfriend at the time, I felt so guilty and shameful, even as I'm falling, knowing that I brought them there to watch me die. But luckily, ambulance came, my parents are running over the hill. My mom crying and telling me that she loves me while I'm getting to the back of the ambulance. It was a really emotional moment because I felt like I had broken them and that I broke their heart. I had broken my upper spine, fractured my lower spine and torn the ligaments in my neck so was basically immobile for four months in a neck brace and back brace, I was still living at home with mom and dad at the time, I eventually was diagnosed with PTSD, depression, and night terrors. So anytime I close my eyes or tried to fall asleep, I could feel myself falling and I would wake up constantly drugged out of my mind on morphine, ripping posters of the wall being consoled by Mum, I was just a shell of my former self and eventually, I got the neck brace and back brace off and went to physio, I could put one foot in front of the other had to learn how to walk again, how to drive again, how to go upstairs, everything started from scratch. And it's very overwhelming when you're 22 and the start of your life. And you have to learn how to do these basic baby things all over again. But I just knew that all I could do was put one foot in front of the other metaphorically and literally. And it's something that got me to where I am today where I'm alive and well. I'm in good health and definitely scarred forever. But that moment in 2013 was what basically defined my entire life up until now. Wow. Yeah, that's a little synopsis.
Kween Kong
Oh my goodness, thank you so much for sharing that story. It's such such again, like I don't even know how to put into words how remarkable you are as a human being to be sitting here with a smile on your face. We've seen you walk up the stairs, walk through the door and have a big bright smile, open energy. you know, in terms of the subject matter we're talking about with loneliness, like some of the things that you were talking about just then after going going through the accident and also the feelings of going, you know, I know it's not my fault, but I do feel responsible for you know, my family and the people around me did were these the things that may have propelled you into a state of loneliness
Brad
100% I felt very misunderstood. I felt champions, and that's why I feel weird being called an inspiration. But I guess that I am accepted. It's nice, but people were like, Oh, you're so Lucky Oh, that's amazing. Or you pick yourself up. And I'm like, that's just not what's happening. I completely hated myself, because I was useless, would not accept help from anyone, when all people wanted to do was help me or tell me how well I was doing, or that I'm lucky. But I didn't feel any of those things at all. And I pointed the blame on myself, mainly because I was looking for an answer. It's very confusing. The people that have gone through this have died. And I've done all the research, and I've looked into it, and it is a miracle. But it made me feel even worse, because there wasn't anyone else, I was saying that was like, oh, that's happened to me, or I've gone through something similar. Where I did find solace and connection was people talking about their trauma and how their body reacted to it was the exact same as what I was feeling. So, the loneliness started to lessen when I spoke about my feelings, and I sought out other stories from people sharing their experience with trauma, it's very universal, we literally all go through trauma. But how our body reacts physiologically is usually the same when it comes to trauma. I think people think it has to be this big crazy thing that happens to you like with me, but really, I've like lost friends. And that's felt traumatic, or I've been fired from a job and I'm like, carried my plant on the road crying, like that's trauma also. So, nothing has to be this huge event. Just got to validate how you feel I so often just didn't listen to my feelings. I'd be anxious or insecure or worried or fearful. And I'd be like, oh, well, I can't feel that way. That's not a big deal. No one else is reacting this way. Then then there? Yes. Where I've got to listen to how my body's reacting and that will never ever, ever fail me at all.
Kween Kong
That’s so true. You know, I think the thing about loneliness, I think we would, generally speaking, when we're experiencing loneliness, we feel isolated. And like, it's, we're the only one experiencing these things. You know, and I think one of the biggest things that I've always like, had solace and which is like, driven my self love is, you know, my appreciation for the things that I value, you know, like, in terms of like, qualities in life, you know, and I think I've always had really strong examples of that in the women in my life, you know, like, my mom has always been such a rock, you know, and it sounds like your mom's the same. I think, you know, even when I'm lonely, I go well, you know, it's better to be kind of like, isolated with, like, only a few people in my circle that I know, have got my back, rather than be surrounded by a bunch of noise that just sort of like the image or the idea of what I am.
Kween Kong
There's so many things that we can talk about, but I think something we haven't touched on yet maybe is, you know, our queerness and also you know, being someone that comes from a country town, you know, what that situation kind of looked like and also more or less how you arrived at the situation that you're at now, which is so feels really well well rounded and balanced. How did you arrive from that up to you know, being raised in a country space?
Brad
Yeah, a lot of blood, sweat and tears, a lot of inner hatred and self-loathing as a kid growing up, being so confused about how I felt. I was like, why am I attracted to Dad's cricket mates and like, did not make any sense. So, I didn't even think I was gay. And I didn't even put myself in the closet per se. I was just, I went straight to, there's something fundamentally wrong with me. I was born with the wrong brain. I'm a disturbed person. Didn't know any other gay person growing up in a small country town of 200 people. So, it was very hard to come to terms with the fact that I was gay. And I didn't come out till I was 20. And I wish I'd come out to myself first for a bit longer. But as I started to come out and discover community, it's also very isolating then as well, because there's definitely a lifestyle that comes with being gay. And not every part of the lifestyle. I've felt fit in with me. But it seemed like there was only one a lot of it was centred around nightlife, which as a young person was super fun, and I love all the times I had. But I have struggled to find a community on a more sober journey. And then I had this epiphany right this isn't community that stage over there, and all the music all the people, that's not community well, communities is you and I having this conversation, and having a friendship and having other queer men to talk to and to lean on that isn't centred around nightlife and drug use or sex. And it's very hard. We're all tortured people I feel so so it can be hard to really connect and find true deep relationships and I'm lucky now that I have fewer friends but the strength of friendships so much better than having a group of friends that centre around nightlife but my only plea to people would be be the gay you want to see in the world? Absolutely. You are community, you and I having this chat is community. We can define what community is for us. It doesn't have to be what is out there. make your own. Absolutely. So that's what I'm trying to do now as a more sober person as someone in their 30s. Someone with fewer friends. It's daunting. But I know that if I live as authentically as I can, I'll probably make more pure friendships that will last longer. Rather than feeling like I have to subscribe to something that doesn't really fit in with who I am.
Kween Kong
Absolutely. You know, it's so true. I think the thing about like, you know, with queerness, as well, especially when you're coming out, like, which can be such an isolating experience, you know, I can't imagine what it would be like in a country town. I was raised religious. I'm like, you already know that you're not safe in that environment. So, you know, naturally you create your own like, like, almost like a double life where you you know, you I was always a shapeshifter. I've always been a version of myself, for people to make them more comfortable,
Kween Kong
You just have to figure out mechanisms and obviously, like safe spaces, like my house, for example, houses that are that exists for youth that are looking for places to be loved and accepted. I do implore like lots of youth, like people that are going through, like loneliness within the queer community, reach out, you know, actually reach out, like, you have got the Internet to reach out, not necessarily to all drag queens, but like Queens like myself, like, I'm always there to talk to people. I’m like the beneficiary of so many people that have helped me realise my potential. And I think the thing about community and the queer community, you know, drag queens, and most queer people, you know, we show up for people, you know, we protest, and it’s a collective mindset even in isolation.
Brad
But isn't that the special thing and you probably get it when you travel. And when I've travelled, I find community in the other gay men or other queer people I meet overseas, and I'm like, I know we have the same backstory. I know we have similar feelings. I know we have the shared world even though you're on the other side of it. And that's what I really love. That's where I find community. You are community and you represent community so well, I think we need more Kweens in the world.
Kween Kong
Where are you at currently now, like at this very moment?
Brad
On a very strange place. In this current moment, I feel because everything feels different. I was made redundant from a job two weeks ago. It's another forced change. I broke up with my partner, maybe three weeks ago. And that was a three-year relationship, soulmates, meant to be together. Beautiful, incredible relationship, I will always cherish. But even though I've had all the friend loss and the relationship and the job and whatever it might be, I feel really optimistic about my future. Because I know when I focus on myself, and I just bring everything back to centre, I will launch there's so many places I can go. Because I've been to hell and back, I've done it already. Nothing that happens in the future can ever take away from me. If anything, it'll embolden me to be even better. So, as it stands right now, I'm definitely in a weird mourning period. And I feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean with my floaties on - not really sure where the current’s going. But I'm letting the discovery come to me. Instead of always focusing on something to fix or change or work on. So I'm going to Europe for six weeks. There's also a huge, excellent, amazing timing for all the shit have gone through. I'm 32 and I feel like I've gone through a second puberty. Now we're out the end. And I'm honestly just prepared to slay.
Kween Kong
Oh my god, I'm so excited for you and happy for you. That's the thing. It's like, you definitely feel like you're in a point of transition. You know, and I think, you know…
Brad
Through transitions will come hopefully my biggest dreams.
Kween Kong
I think it's gonna happen for sure. What do you hope to get from Europe?
Brad
Honestly, everything. This is my Eat Pray Love. I love to have I started with going to Eurovision which I've never done before. It's a huge deal. Eurovision Song contests. even thinking about it gives me goosebumps I've been obsessed with for years, but what I want to get out of it is just not putting pressure on myself to make it the trip of a lifetime, even though I would hope that it would be based on what I'm doing. But I've been sad overseas before. I've been lonely overseas before. And it's okay. It's not a defeat. It's a crazy experience. You're so far from home. So, I'm ready for discovery and has been for myself and doing something truly for me. and I'm going to be by myself for a while in life I feel so why not be by yourself on a crazy holiday. The best place to be, I think.
Kween Kong
I love that. Yeah, that sounds right. It feels like aligned with everything that you deserve.
Brad
I love ambition. I love dream chasing. What I tell myself is the truth, I will craft my own reality. And I'm in the process of doing that. I'm doing things differently and letting the discovery come to me. Because Madonna once said, I don't search I find. So those things will find me, But I've only got myself at the end of the day. So, I've got a love living with me. And if I'm living with me, 24/7 then the world I'm making around me. It better be utopia, author. I'm working on that.
Kween Kong
That's the best. I think that's like the best note to end it on like, I think in terms of loneliness, the way we think about it, you know, you know, you are left on your own in some ways. And obviously, in some situations, that can be really daunting, but you know exactly what you said, design the world that you want design, you know, the lifestyle that you want, you know, think about what you hold dear, what you need. And give it to yourself first and foremost, so that you know when you're receiving it from someone else.
Brad
As Ru Paul says, as well, if you don't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love somebody else? Totally.
Kween Kong
Well yeah thank you so much for your time it's been so amazing talking to you, and I can't wait to hear about this trip it's gonna be awesome.
Brad
It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much
Ali
So how did you time with Brad go?
Kween Kong
Oh, my God, I am obsessed with Brad, I think, aside from, you know, just being an aura, you know, I don't feel like I've completely processed all the things we've spoken about, especially around the tragedy, you know, and I don't even think I can say, I don't think tragedy’s the word because just looking at him, you know, hearing from him, you know, listening to him recall these situations, and also where he's at now. You know, I don't think I'm gonna ever complain about anything for the rest of my life ever again. He's just the most the brightest beacon of light. And I can just tell he's going to have an amazing future at whatever he does.
Ali
Brad talks about how his relationships changed after the accident. And one thing he says it was hard to find that his friends weren't in the same place as him anymore. And how much do you think that's just a broader issue, particularly in your early 30s, that everyone is at a different stage of adulthood?
Kween Kong
Oh, my goodness, I think big time, I think naturally speaking, especially within the queer community, you know, Brad's from the country town. So, you know, he talks a lot about, or he talked a lot about, you know, meeting up with groups of friends, and just partying every weekend. And I think, you know, when you are freshly out of the closet, or in a big city, I think what I've experienced as a drag queen who's like, in front of these gays dancing naked, you know, celebrating for their life. It is a big part of the culture, they're just celebrating for celebration sake. And I think, you know, when something like what has happened to Brad, you know, completely changed the fabric of what he is, who he is, and what he's about. You know, I think what he what he was experiencing, or what he is experiencing right now was growing pains, you know, I don't think it's a circumstance of what's happened to him, he's naturally seen that, you know, there are more deeper things that are important. And he's just experienced, like a near death experience, which is just taking taken him out of this party space and wanting to have, you know, stronger connections with people that will actually show up for him and support him. So, I think, definitely, it's something to do with getting into your 30s, where you start to cull all the excess weight out of your life, but also reprioritize people for who they are and what they are and what they offer to you as a person. So, I feel like he's going through that point of transition at the moment, which is really exciting.
Ali
After Brad and Kweens initial meeting, Brad went overseas on a six-week holiday. They caught up again when he got back, and I’m fascinated to hear what Brad’s experience of travel was like after such a tumultuous period in his life.
Kween Kong
Oh my god longtime That's it. I'm so excited to hear how your trip where and how did it go.
Brad
I wouldn't even know where to begin. I feel like I've lived 1000 lifetimes and I knew it would be very sentimental and it's like my eat Pray Love to a post breakup losing a job, all the drama of last year, completely just broken at the lowest of lows before this crazy six week galivanting trip around Europe. But it was everything I needed it to be and more. It's like, it's even hard to look back, I can't even look at photos because I almost can't go back to that headspace where I felt like I finally experienced some joy. But even with that I just wanted to embrace however, I felt I was going through a lot, I was definitely very mentally broken on that trip. And in so many places, I would just be walking down the streets crying while eating mature. And I just, I needed that to happen. And I didn't want to put pressure on myself to be happy. And to make it the perfect trip. It was just going to be what it was going to be. And I'm a very sentimental person anyway, that attaches meaning to everything. So, it ended up being everything that I could have asked for. And more. Yeah.
Kween Kong
I'm so proud of you, honey. That's amazing. Goodness. You know, I think, you know, obviously, in our chat that we had before you left, I could hear you know that it was probably going to be one of those moments like a little, little pivotal moment. Yeah, with with any like landmarks or any moments in particular, on your trip that you that sort of like stuck out to you for any particular reason.
Brad
I kind of went into it with a lot of questions that needed answering especially around friendship and relationships and trying to reconnect with my younger self. And I definitely feel like it was a very affirming trip, in the weirdest of ways. Any landmark moments, I was able to, let's say, meet lots of special people and have some connections. Like a PG right away. It's very dangerous to be recently single, redundant from a job with all this money. And it was very, very special. Let's just say that. But one of the one of the major moments was going to Riga in Latvia. And that felt like a different world. I'd never been to a place that was so post-Soviet and had this hangover from the 80s with like the Russian rule and to see signs in Russian and people speaking Russian. And it was a place that felt very, they're trying to modernise, and they're trying to join the Western world. And they're trying to change their image and getting off the plane and catching this bus like 30 K's outside of Latvia. It was just, I was like, what am I? What am I doing? It was such an adventure. So, I really needed to push myself and go to these crazy places by myself not speaking the language. There were less people from the community, less queer people, and even just jumping on the apps and having a chat to people that live in these cities and what life is like for them. I found super interesting. And I nearly went out in Riga in Latvia, I was gonna go to this gay bar that you have to knock on the door and say a password to get into. And it's in this basement. And I was talking to people probably just like on Grindr or something. And one person's like, yeah, if you go, this is the password. It's like something in Russian. I was like, that'd be so sick to actually go and just see what's poppin on a Thursday night in Riga. But then I was speaking to another person that said it's very dangerous, unless you speak Latvian or Russian. And they heavily recommended that I don't go. So, I avoided it. And I don't regret not going but even just hearing about that's what their life is like for them in this small city, there's only one place, it's still got a lot of work to do to try to modernise and a lot of people can't leave these cities because they have to support their families or they're still dealing with their own internalised homophobia. So that was really eye opening, as a side note, to actually come back to Melbourne and realise how lucky we are to have what we have. And the main thing I learned in terms of sexuality was, we're kind of all living the same world. We're all experiencing the same thing, especially when it comes to what was front of mind for me around friendship groups, and relationships and drug use. No matter where you go. I think the community is facing the same issues. So that kind of opened my eyes and actually made me feel less lonely because it didn't matter where I was, I could be in somewhere like Latvia. We're all experiencing the same problems.
Kween Kong
Well, I need that. So, what how and how incredible to not only well, I can understand now why, why you're saying that you got everything that you needed out of this trip, because obviously when we're talking before you went away, we didn't necessarily have much tangible sort of like, exercises or things we had to focus on to go away. I was literally just like, go and go and live. Do I love love, love, Eat, Pray Love all that kind of bullshit. So obviously, it's like, it's so amazing to hear that, you know. And also like in terms of the Latvia going out in the club, I'm so glad that you've got a gut that is going to steer you in into safety and not into danger like mine does. Renewable. And I think the other thing that you spoke about that I'd love to sort of like dive into a little bit more, as you said, that you really sort of were able to, you know, re introduce yourself to your inner child and start to have conversations with the inner child about, you know, allowing yourself the permission to have fun or to be mischievous, or to discover things like what was that process? Like? And how did how did that come up for you?
Brad
What really activated it was, as a kid, I was really obsessed with Sweden. I my favourite tennis player was Bjorn Borg growing up, and I was just always obsessed with Swedish people and Swedish culture and meatballs, and IKEA. And I was learning Swedish for a few years as a teenager, and in my early 20s, had Stockholm as my wallpaper always wanted to move there. And I'd been before about seven years ago and going back there at the start of this trip. It just made me reconnect with that early 20s, Brad that really had that sense of adventure and just thought, yeah, I'll move to Sweden and marry a Viking. Like, I never doubted my own ambitions, I always believed I could do whatever I want. And I think I had lost that and became a bit more cynical as, as I'd gotten older. But landing in Stockholm on a really beautiful sunny day, which is rare I was just on an adventure, on an adventure. And that's what I need to do. Just book it, don't even think about it. Say yes to yourself, anything is possible. So actually, going to that place, and even recognising places from a trip I went to seven years ago, which was similar to this one. And reflecting on how that trip was different to this trip, and how in seven years, I've changed so much, just really reminded me that anything is possible. So, I downloaded Duolingo and started learning Swedish again, just to reconnect with younger Brad and say yes to everything.
Kween Kong
Are you making lemons into lemonade? Joel? Yes, yeah. Good. I'm so proud of you. Right? Oh, my God, it's so it's given me so much life, you know, and obviously, I said, you were talking initially, you know, in our first interview, that you know, how much of an inspiration you are, and also how inspiring it is to hear your story, but also, you know, with with the lessons that you've learned and discovered, what what are those boundaries going to look like moving forward, you know, in terms of combating loneliness, or positioning people in your life that are not going to just take from you and, you know, make you feel like trash? Like, what's that going to look like from now,
Brad
For me, it all stems from my gut instinct, and just listening to what I want. And just doing that, everything can get so cloudy, especially when it comes to relationships, because they're so complex. But I always know deep down what I want to do, and I need to follow that without fear of the consequences. And that's what kind of blew up my life last year is that I felt like I was being gaslit. And I was being taken for a ride, I wasn't being heard. And I knew deep down that that was wrong. And I knew that I had to stand up for myself, despite the consequences being quite severe and losing a lot of people when I was already going through so much stress last year. So, for me, my boundaries moving forward, I will always trust them. Because if my boundaries make me lose people, then they're working. And your boundaries won't make you lose the right people. And in fact, your boundaries should be respected. But boundaries also have to be practised. And they have to be crossed sometimes for you to know what they actually are. And for you to get better at communicating what those boundaries are. And doing it without shame. That has been the hard thing is putting it out there. You will get reactions from people that are like oh, okay, or like you will lose people or people will combat them. That's when you know that you just take a bit of space from those particular people. And on the trip, I needed to know that I can make friends and I'm charming, and I'm outgoing and gregarious. And I really challenged myself because I wasn't really ready to re-enter particular spaces. There's a club in Berlin called Paragon, which is a pretty famous club, had my hotel breakfast at the Premier Inn. And then I would get there at like 10am on Sunday. And I wasn't going to go and I was talking myself out of it. And I thought just go inside, have a dance for two hours and see what happens. So, I ended up being there the entire day till 9pm. And it's like it's just Burgoyne it's just going to a techno club but obviously me attaching meaning to everything. I was able to recontextualize all the things that had really hurt me last year by being in these environments with substances and with friendship groups, and that was very, very triggering for me, but I pushed myself and actually made friends for life at Bernstein. Like, I just met amazing people that I'm still in touch with and there was this one girl in particular we just sat outside for like four hours just gas bagging. I walked her home, chat chat chat. And now we're like instant besties whether or not I see her again, who cares, but I got a confidence boost that I can go on these environments, I can have fun, I can trust my gut, I can be safe, I can make friends, keep friends. So, I kind of needed to put myself back out there and face my fears, just so I know that it was possible. But now that I've got boundaries, I know that if I'm in a place that doesn't feel good, I will just trust that. And there's nothing wrong with ever having these boundaries based on what I've gone through. We've all got different boundaries, and it's going to come with judgement. And it's going to come with a little bit of distrust, but I know that deep down, it'll lead me in the right direction.
Kween Kong
So that sounds incredible. And I think, you know, there's so many things to zoom in on what you just said, like, obviously, you know, your, your preferred methods of communication, which is such a important key, you know, to what we're talking about the subject matter of loneliness, and how we, you know, combat those feelings internally, like, you know, and I also feel like, you need to be in front of a microphone, or, you know, this, your story is so important, but it's also just really, you know, you've got such an innate ability to be vulnerable, which is what I loved about meeting you in the first place, when we first met, I could see that you're going through the things but I really loved I was so overwhelmed at how just open and just said, you know, you're so willing to just, you know, dig deep and also talk about it and no, no, that this would, you know, no, we're not no, that if this would benefit you or not, or you're just willing to go along the process and trust that something will come out of it, which I feel like, you know, for those of us that aren't as like, you know, forthcoming or as diligent about, you know, bleeding our way, or getting up off our asses and doing things, I think it's such a, an important example.
Brad
There's something very strange about being really open publicly about your feelings. It's scary, but it feels really good after it kind of feels like you've done something, punk, something where you've really confronted your fear, because I feel like we're not really encouraged to share our feelings in such a public forum. And one of the best lessons I've learned is that something I always kind of knew this deep down is that communication will set me free. And I need to verbalise my feelings. That's my processing. So to do it in such a particular way, with a microphone in front of you. It's, it's, it's unusual, but I think that's what made it more special because I was like, I'm cementing these feelings in history forever, and everyone's gonna hear it and it took away a lot of the shame I have around, communicating about how I feel.
Ali
We’re all more likely to feel lonely when we’re going through times of transition and change. Sometimes the transitions can be tough ones, like the accident Brad experienced, or a relationship ending, or grief. We can also feel very lonely even when we’re going through transitions that we feel should be happy. Like moving into a new house or starting a new job or having a baby. This is because when we experience change, we can feel like the people in our lives are no longer with us. Like Kween says, these moments are essential for life, they can be the growing pains that help us become our best selves. But it’s important in those times to also lean into the spaces that feel safe. Look for community, for people who can understand what you’re going through. Reach out to the people who you know care about you. And find ways to trust and support yourself. To grow in these times of change, we need to be open to support and love, even from ourselves.
For more information and tips to help you if you’re feeling lonely, visit we are lonely.com.au. We Are Lonely isn’t intended to replace individual health professional care. If you have any concerns or questions surrounding your mental health, you should seek advice from your health professional. You can also go to Reachout.com or Beyond Blue.org.au for online or phone support. We are Lonely is produced as part of Medibank’s ten year commitment to addressing loneliness. I am Ali Walker. This show was produced and edited by Liz Keen and Simon Portus from Headline Productions with support from Cara O’Brien and Olivia Patchett. Our theme music is by Kenneth Lampl. Our team from Medibank include Karen Oldaker, Katrina Weir, Jessica Salter and Rebecca Carter. And project and Production Management by Rob Ranieri and Nick Randall from Ranieri and Co.
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