The power to care

On a recent family holiday, my husband took a bunch of kids to the zoo. We were there for a wedding and because many of the parents were involved in the formalities, he thought it would be a good idea to get the kids out of everyone’s well-coiffed hair. If I had a dollar for every time I heard “Father of the Year” that day, I could afford to buy those $6 coffees I’ve cut back on. 

Let’s go back 4 days earlier. This holiday had been in our calendar for a good 6 months, but in the lead-up to our departure the ‘Father of the Year’ realised he’d put in the wrong leave request and would arrive 4 days later. Lucky me, I got to enjoy ‘quality’ family time flying solo with a 4- and 7-year-old and spent the first 4 days navigating transfer buses, pools and beach trips with kids who can barely swim. At no point did I get a ‘Mother of the Year’ award. In fact, I didn’t even get an honourable mention. 

It probably shouldn’t surprise me that although I work full time, like many mothers in heterosexual  relationships, I am still considered the primary carer by default. And when my partner ‘chips in’ he’s seen to be helping me out. 

According to a 2023 report entitled State of the World’s Fathers, while dads today may be more involved than their own fathers, there is still no country in the world where women and men share care equally. And although new generations of parents and the introduction of more working-from-home policies has led to an increase in men’s care giving, we’re still a long way off sharing the load equally. In fact, according to the same report, in 23 middle- and high-income countries, the unpaid care gap between men and women has decreased by just 7 minutes a day over 15-years. Even in places where women have achieved some social and economic equality, the idea that men are ‘breadwinners’ and women are ‘carers’ remains common. 

Why is change important?

If you ask Plan International, greater involvement by men in daily care work is good for everyone. It helps gender equality. It benefits women’s health and leads to better relationships within couples. Plus, it has been linked to a reduction in rates of violence. 

It’s good for our children too. There is plenty of evidence that engaged fatherhood has a positive impact on kids and the relationships they will have as adults. Girls are more empowered and boys are more likely to believe in gender equality and do their share of unpaid work if they see their dads do the same. And shared caregiving is good for men. Research shows when dads have more time to be dads, they have better relationships with people and greater life satisfaction. 

So, if we know men’s caregiving benefits the greater good, why do we tend to just roll with traditional gender roles? What’s holding men back and keeping women holding onto that mental load? Today’s parents face a bit of a dilemma. While workplaces have been somewhat transformed by more women joining the labour force, for the most part, those changes are not reflected in the division of labour at home. An Equimundo report on Australian households found that even in homes where women were the primary money makers, they still performed significantly more housework and childcare than their male partners. And while dads today may be more hands-on, 55% of caregiving fathers interviewed for a University of Melbourne study believe they are treated unfairly at work. It seems, even in 2023, dads worry what their employers will think when they prioritize their kids over their work and feel they face discrimination and career setbacks when they do. “Employers have got used to working with mothers around flexible work and other adjustments, but they haven’t orientated towards men doing the same,” says Associate Professor Elizabeth Hill from Sydney University’s Gender Equality in Working Life research group.

So, what will it take to change?  

Many, including The Grattan Institute, believe equal, fully-paid, non-transferable parental leave for all parents is central to creating equality when it comes to looking after children. According to the Grattan Institute, caring habits formed in the early years of a child’s life tend to persist. ‘For heterosexual couples, this means the mother’s role as dominant carer for a new baby is carried through the child’s first decade and beyond’.

In Australia, the Federal Government funds 20 weeks of paid parental leave – 18 weeks for the primary carer (usually the mother) and two weeks of Dad and Partner Pay. While this is better than some countries, it’s well below the OECD (Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development) average of 10 weeks of father-specific paid leave. The Grattan Institute recommends adding up to 6 additional weeks leave to the current 20-week paid parental leave allowance. To encourage more leave sharing, they suggest it should be done through a 6/12/6 structure including 6 weeks ‘use it or lose it’ provision for each parent, and 12 weeks to share between them as they choose. Plus an additional two weeks as an extra incentive (especially for fathers who commonly don’t take leave) if both parents take their 6 weeks. As more fathers take up leave in those first months, the Grattan Institute believes we’ll normalise the idea that dads can and should play more of an active role in caring for children. 

This idea was also behind Medibank’s FamilyFlex policy, which allows employees to take 14 weeks paid leave within the first 24 months of their child’s life, regardless of whether they are a primary or secondary carer. 

Medibank Group Lead Kylie Bishop said the organisation wanted every parent to have the opportunity to play an active role in their child’s early life. 

“We want to change the story and provide greater flexibility and participation in carer responsibilities regardless of gender. Parental leave disproportionately affects female employees and it shouldn’t,” says Kylie. 

“Many men don’t feel comfortable asking for parental leave at all. We want to remove any barriers that prevent men from playing an active role in their family.” 

And while many large organisations are putting similar parental leave schemes in place, progress is still slow. Too slow. The 2023 State of the World’s Fathers report highlighted that both men and women want men to be given the opportunity to care more. Caregiving not only helps us feel human, it gives us more happiness and life satisfaction, something we all need when there is a cost of living crisis and increasing rates of loneliness and depression. 

Back to the Father of the Year. While I joke about our recent family holiday, I do admit, he’s a pretty good co-pilot when it comes to parenting. Though, speak to us individually and we’d probably both claim to do around 65% of the domestic stuff. We certainly don’t have the formula right, but does anyone? Juggling work and life with school runs and lunches isn’t easy, but doing it with someone who isn’t afraid of a playground takes a bit of the pressure off both of us. And, as a mum of two girls, there is a satisfaction in knowing they’re growing up in a household where their mum and dad share the raising of them (almost) equally.