Healthy boundaries, happy families

There are few people you will know from the day you are born. We have a lifetime of shared memories with our families. The good ones; layered in-jokes more ridiculous with each passing year, a made-up language of obscure movie references and childhood mispronunciations, as well as the not so good ones; the grief of pets gone too soon, trips to the emergency department and teenage angst-fuelled arguments for the ages. 

Being able to connect with our families as adults, to truly open up and share life’s ups and downs can be a powerful thing. So powerful that strong relationships are linked to lower rates of anxiety and depression, improved immunity and even longevity. But, like all healthy relationships, it has to start with a foundation of respect. We spoke to Australian Psychological Society CEO, Dr Zena Burgess, about managing dynamics and setting boundaries with our families for happier, healthier relationships.

Preparation is key

It starts with an offhand comment. Undoubtedly followed with “I was just joking!”. Family can have a distinct way of getting under your skin. Recognising and naming your boundaries before your next family get-together is just as important as preparing the menu.

“We can take time to reflect on our own boundaries ahead of time, so we are prepared in the event of having them challenged,” says Dr Zena.

Writing a list or even practicing conversations with someone you trust can be helpful.

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are the standards, rules or limits we set about the words and behaviours that we expect from others, and that we use.

We can have boundaries around all sorts of things, such as physical touch, how much we put into tasks, if language is disrespectful, who we spend time with, and how we share household and work responsibilities. Often, we have different boundaries for different relationships and environments.

How to set boundaries

There are many ways to set boundaries, and they will be unique to the needs of each relationship. Dr Zena shares some ways you can set boundaries:
 

1. It’s OK to say no. If doing the thing you’ve been asked to do is causing you discomfort, politely decline. Hugging your mum’s neighbour because “he’s like family”? No, thank you.
2. Reciprocity. Speak openly and generously about what behaviours and language others can expect from you, encouraging them to do the same. Mutually beneficial experiences can be good for everyone involved.
3. Combat misunderstandings by avoiding text messages or email to communicate your boundaries. A text taken out of context – we've all been there.
4. Know what you can control. Try as you might, you cannot control the behaviour of others. If they blatantly disregard the boundaries you’ve communicated, finish the interaction and walk away.

Why are boundaries so important?

“Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is crucial for mental health,” says Dr Zena.

When you’re pulled into the vortex of a family argument, how you react in the moment may not feel like a choice. But when you watch the playback, this exact scenario has been performed before – your family has been playing their parts for years. Developing insights into the “roles that we may have played as a child may be beneficial to help stop repeating patterns of maladaptive behaviour in adulthood,” says Dr Zena.

If you’re seeing a pattern of negative behaviour emerge from family catch ups, it may be beneficial to take a step back and consider introducing healthy boundaries.

It goes both ways

The old adage of ‘do unto others you would have them do unto you’ rings true when considering boundaries with your family. 

“When families come together, it's important to respect other people’s boundaries, whether we agree with them or not,” says Dr Zena.

It may be worth agreeing ahead of time that particular subjects are off the dinner table.

“To protect our wellbeing in a tense family environment, it may be beneficial to not engage in deeper or more emotionally charged conversations, which may reduce the intensity of interactions between family members.”

Practical tools

There are some practical tools you can implement on the day of your family get-together to help calm your mind and body, and temper tense situations:
 

• Start your day with movement, whether it’s walking the dog, hitting the gym or even a gentle stretch at home. Exercise releases ‘feel good’ hormones such as serotonin and endorphins, that can help to reduce feelings of stress.
• Suggest an afternoon activity for everyone to get involved. Busy, active bodies may be less likely to be involved in tense conversations. Backyard cricket, anyone?
• Limit alcohol. We know alcohol can reduce inhibitions, making it more difficult to respect those boundaries we’ve worked hard to create. Cutting back isn’t all that bad once you discover how great a mocktail can be!

Psychological safety

The boundaries you set will be different from others; your relationship with your family is unique.

“While some decisions might be based on the need for self-protection or self-care, there are also other psychological drivers, such as unresolved trauma, projection of internal conflicts, and the influence of unhealthy relationships,” says Dr Zena.

For some setting boundaries can be challenging. “If you’re struggling to set boundaries when spending time with family members, consulting a psychologist may be helpful. Psychologists can provide useful tools for self-reflection, help to improve boundaries and communication as well as assisting people to develop strategies to cope with potentially distressing situations and feelings.”

If you are experiencing mental health struggles, a good place to start the discussion about getting help is with your GP.

Medibank’s 24/7 Medibank Mental Health Support is also available for all health insurance members. Talk with a mental health professional over the phone or online about any mental health or emotional concern, and advice on what to do next. Chat 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on 1800 644 325 or log in to My Medibank.

If you, or someone you know, need immediate support or medical assistance, contact 000 in an emergency or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

For more tips and information on how to take care of your mental health, visit:
 

• Beyond Blue
• Black Dog Institute
• Headspace
• SANE Australia